🌫️ Tunnel

It's hard to put into words, so I say it gently. In memory, I return to the time when I felt myself slipping into a kind of tunnel vision — a narrowing of sight and choices. There I sensed other beings — spirits, observers — but barely noticed them then. It seemed the body was crossing a boundary the mind could no longer control.

Then, strangely, all the pain and anxiety disappeared. Everything became soft and hazy. I felt fine — I still understood what was wrong, but as if numb to it. Thinking sharpened frighteningly: perfect memory, perfect focus, the ability to vividly outline possible outcomes. A great calm came, like the quiet hum of inevitability approaching. I told myself: "I'm done." And I believed it.

Part of me stayed to observe, as if I had left eyes to witness. I wondered: if this were another person, what would I advise them? I searched for an answer and found only silence.

In that state, when the time comes, fear can bind you like belts and chains, and still peace will set you free. It seems like a choice, but it isn't. It's a current that carries you.

🪄 The card I didn't see

Everything happened quickly. Part of me tried to "help" by ending the pain. Another part tried to pull me away. It was like carrying a magic card in my pocket that I couldn't find — something that could have saved me but remained invisible until it was too late.

Then — like a thunderclap — fear and feelings returned. Control was back in my hands. Not everyone around me was so lucky. Some spirits came seeking help, and I had no answer. The next day, one of those spirits lost their body, dreams, friends — and did not return. The observers I carry in my heart asked me to tell this story for those who can no longer.

🧭 What kind of state is this (how I experienced it)

When I say "suicide is not a choice", it doesn't mean people lack responsibility or dignity. I mean that in certain states, the ability to choose is hijacked. The mind narrows, the body's alarm signals distort the world, and the uncontrolled impulse takes the wheel.

• A feeling of calm and peace. But this is not true peace — calm like the eye of a storm. Such calm can be a warning sign.
• A sense of "clarity." Possibilities seem mapped out, but that map is false. It has no tomorrow.
• A sense of inevitability. As if something is approaching. That feeling is a symptom, not the truth.

Note: In that state, thoughts about alcohol came to me — it can suppress brain control centers. At those moments, your grip on choice can drop almost to zero. My belief is simple: never touch alcohol. Never. Even if someone who means you harm offers it.

🤝 If this is not a "choice," what helps — here and now?

Something helps immediately. It must be embodied — grounding in the physical world until help arrives. When such a wave rises, it can feel perfectly calm and "rational," and can bypass tricks or barriers.

• Stay together and don't be alone. If you can, stay close to the person or go to them. If you are with someone and worry about safety, call the local emergency number. Do not let the person be alone if you think there is an immediate danger.
• Priority to presence, not restraints. When the wave rages, self-restraints can become worthless; relying on them is unsafe. Focus on a steady presence, simple conversation, and removing immediate danger until specialists are contacted. Avoid physical restraints unless directed by help professionals.
• Ground the body. Cool air, water, fresh air by an open window, slower breathing you can coordinate together, feet on the floor, a held hand.
• Simplify the environment. Dim the lights and reduce noise, hand over a glass of water, stay close. Reduce access to substances and obvious dangers.

Let's be perfectly clear: when you feel the wave coming, willpower alone or tricks (like attachment) won't reliably protect you; the mind can bypass barriers. Connection with people and urgent help is safer than isolation.

This section is a personal perspective on the first steps and does not replace professional advice.

💛 For those we have lost

We didn't reach some in time — I was still too young and too weak to do anything. Chester — you are always in our hearts. We hear you. May your memory become a beacon that keeps others here.

🫶 If you are in a tunnel right now

Write and seek help from others — just keep writing and writing. Send a message: "I don't feel safe with myself." Ask someone to stay with you. Keep trying; many small attempts can turn into one answered call.

Try to understand what causes it. My cause was heat. My body overheated and didn’t understand it. At the last moment, a flash of clarity came: I poured water over myself, turned on all the fans I found, and lay down in the shade on still-warm ground to escape the sun. If you suspect heatstroke, move to a cooler place, sip water if you can, and seek medical help immediately.

Other factors can be systemic and large — economic stress, isolation, collective traumas. We must learn to recognize patterns and prepare knowledge that we can apply when needed.

🏛️ Long-term, country-wide changes

If this state can hijack choice, prevention must be woven into culture, policy, and public spaces:

• Knowledge about substance risks. Open education about how alcohol and other substances affect impulse control; an absolutely alcohol-free world.
• Extended support periods. Crisis response that stays with the person for days or weeks — not hours — so the current slows down.
• First — practical care. Food, water, sleep, and safe shelter — together with therapy and spiritual care.
• Community skills. Basic training for families, teachers, and employers — how to be with a person in crisis and how to connect with help.
• Gentle technologies. Reduce predatory designs that increase despair; promote tools that lead to connection, not isolation.

📜 What I learned

• In certain crisis states, a person can be "hijacked." This does not mean you are weak — it means you are human.
• The body and mind can deceive with false clarity. Do not argue with it alone.
• Emergency help must be embodied and presence-based; long-term — patient and practical.
• Some triggers are environmental (e.g., heat). Others are social and systemic. All deserve care.

🕊️ Gentle ending

My experience was unplanned. Heat, exhaustion, overwork — the body can misread a moment and, rushing to "protect" us, put us in danger. I survived. Many did not. Too often those who return with stories remain unheard, and knowledge does not spread.

So here it is: When it happens, it's not a choice. It's a current. And currents can be redirected — with timing, touch, practical help, and a community that doesn't give up. Let's create these changes everywhere and for everyone.